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It was on a shadowy day in spring when my father, Zeus, became glazed over on a fine bottle of God Beer and committed an incomprehensible error in judgment ---- as he had a one-night stand with a unicorn.

9 months later…….I was born unto the world.

Life was rough for young James Patrick, the Unigod, as the other Unicorn’s did not let him play in their Unicorn games. So he decided to set out on his own to find Castle Greyskull for guidance. At the gates, he was confronted by Papa Smurf and Gizmo and was told that their master was not home, but that he could seek guidance from The Princess of Power……..She-Ra.

She-Ra showed young JP all the wisdom and physical capabilities he would need to succeed in the world. She then transferred him to Peekablue for more physical training…….Much more physical training. From there, his training shifted to Mermista, then to Frosta, Flutterina, and Florence Henderson.

How JP actually ventured into the radio business is still a mystery. Some say that he lost all his magical powers when he wagered & lost them in a game of Old-Maid. Some say that he drank away all his powers, others suggest that he rode in from the sunset on the shoulders of a sasquatch to the ROCK 108 studios. The full truth may never be known. All that we do know is that he was forced to work on planet Earth and if you get him drunk enough, he will tell you the painful, physical, sexual stories that commenced in Castle Greyskull.

You may be wondering at this point of my story, “Where is his Unicorn’s horn?” All we can say is that it’s clearly not on his forehead.

  • A Houston, TX, man said his license plate on his Lamborghini is being revoked by the Texas DMV after officials discovered a hidden “offensive” message. The guy said he had the customized plate for three years without incident, but he received a letter from the state DMV saying his license plate was being recalled after it was deemed offensive. So what’s the problem? His plates read, “370H55V.” Doesn’t seem bad does it? But, the seemingly random collection of numbers and letters turns into clear profanity when it is viewed upside-down.
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  • Twisted Sister says their 2016 tour will be their last. Next year marks the band’s 40th anniversary, and to celebrate, the tour is being titled “Forty and F*ck It.” The band will play with a new drummer, Mike Portnoy of Adrenaline Mob. He’ll replace A.J. Pero, who died March 20th.
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  • There's a newspaper in Long Island, New York, called the "Suffolk Times," and they had a headline on the front page recently that read, "Their place at the table." (the word their spelled, T-H-E-I-R, which is the correct way to spell that word for that headline)
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  • Start around the 7:10 mark if you wanna just see the crash...
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  • A girl on spring break was swimming in a lake in Florida recently, when a manatee started swimming next to her. Even though they only eat plants . . . she started freaking out. She did an interview afterward, and said she didn't know whether or not manatees were dangerous.
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  • "Rolling Stone" has a preview of a previously unreleased Nirvana song. The track will appear in the upcoming documentary, "Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck".
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  • While about to start a pricing game, 'The Price is Right' host Drew Carey asks Kelsey what she does in New York, after noticing her 'I Love NY' shirt. Her response cracks him up.
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  • According to TMZ, Marilyn Manson wants police to arrest the man who assaulted him and his makeup artist inside a Denny's restaurant in Alberta, Canada the night of April 4, shortly after Manson performed a show.
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  • Check out JP's Facebook page this morning for posts that will make you say, "What the F......?"
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